Salem isn’t growing well. A couple months ago I took him to his 14-month well-child appointment and came home feeling defeated. He was seen by a different doctor that day as his primary doctor’s schedule was too full. The doctor was nice and calm, but as soon as she stepped in, I wished we were seeing his usual doctor. He has been on this journey with Salem since the beginning and he knows everything. He knows Salem. He knows Eden and Ezra. He knows me. I missed that relationship that day.
So this new doctor and I talked about all kinds of things. I brought up getting his eyes checked out again because his left eye is crossing deeper than it did before and she said he might need surgery for that. She asked if he was sick and I said, no, and explained how liquid still pools in his throat making a gurgling sound. She asked if he says any words or uses any gestures and I shook my head. Then we discussed his growth. His height and weight have been off the growth curve for several months. His height is consistently going up even though it’s not on the curve. But his weight has stayed the same for the past 6 months. The problem is two-fold. First, as part of his genetic syndrome, it is hard for him to gain weight and he will be shorter than normal. Second, he eats very little. Always has. The doctor made a few recommendations and put in some referrals. Salem got a couple of shots and then we were headed home. I felt depressed that whole day wondering how I could help Salem grow. I can’t force him to eat and I can’t change his genetics. I felt helpless and desperate.
I recently read Daring to Hope by Katie Davis Majors. This amazing young woman whom I have admired for many years fed my soul through her new book. She was describing the heartache she experienced after having to give up a foster daughter, whom she was planning to adopt and had been with her for 3 years, when her biological mother unexpectedly showed up wanting her back. As she wrestled with God through the heartache, she reflected on how He came to this earth and was birthed in a dirty, smelly stable, in the most humble of situations. She writes, “He makes Himself very least so that He can commune with the most desperate: us.” Desperate. Yeah, that was me today and so many days of my life.
I realized that through all this pain, I have come closer to the heart of Jesus. I’m a pastor’s wife, a pastor’s kid, a special needs mom of 3, a mixed raced family with a unique history. In my desperation, I have begged God for that one perfect friend who would be just like me and relate to all of my problems. I have searched for that perfect book that would tell me how to navigate my complicated life. But being left in my loneliness and chaos, I found no one and no thing that was just right. All that was left was Jesus. Yes, I am desperate and barely hoping, but Jesus came to relate to someone just like me. Jesus is right here with me in my desperation to love and care for a son beyond my abilities.
He is the Doctor who knows every detail of our medical histories and knows the prognosis of our futures. He is the only Doctor who can heal the parts of Ezra’s brain that were damaged by an intraventricular hemorrhage. He is the only Doctor who can replace the genes that were deleted from Salem’s 5th chromosome. And He is the Doctor who has healed me so completely that when I tell my story of battling depression and eating disorders in my late teens and early twenties as I recovered from abuse, I feel as if I am telling someone else’s story.
As pain has grown in my life, my love and my faith have grown larger as my doubts have grown smaller. As the wounds of my heart have cut further, the capacity of my heart to love has grown deeper and wider. Even if Salem never grows an inch or a pound from this day forward, because of Christ and His decision to come down to this tiny planet into the most humble of situations, Salem’s ability to grow in love with his Savior and to be loved by His Savior are unlimited. Thanks to Jesus, I don’t have to stay in the sadness and despair. When He comes back, Salem will be healed in an instant. It won’t matter if he grew big and strong. What will matter is how much his heart grew to love Jesus while he was on earth.
Whatever is... 