My Struggle With Forgiveness

When I was a teenager, I struggled for a long time to forgive someone who had hurt me more than anyone. My pain was so severe that I often went to bed at night asking God not to wake me up in the morning. After years of torment and asking God to help me, I ended up writing a little poem as if God wrote it to me Himself. Here is a little excerpt from it:

Look for Me in your enemy
That’s where forgiveness will be
Look for Me in those you hate
I am their one good trait
Look for Me when you’re upset
You’ll find the peace to help you forget
Otherwise you’ll have things to regret
Just look for Me

Although this was not a fully mature version of how forgiveness takes place, it did help me significantly. After searching long and hard, I came across one selfless memory of this person who had hurt me. It was a memory from my high school library before I knew who this person was. One day as I entered the library I saw this person notice a very unpopular girl sitting alone while all the other tables were filled with people sitting with their friends. She was clearly embarrassed by her situation and looked quite sad. He sat next to her in full sympathy and bravely confronted all those around her who had ignored her. As I reflected on this memory, I slowly began to see that this person, who had become an enemy of mine, was not wholly bad and evil, but that he was a good person who made some very bad choices I was reaping the consequences for. It freed me enough to help me begin the journey of forgiveness and finally move on.

These past two and a half years I have struggled again with forgiving someone who has hurt me deeply. Only this time, it has been a very different situation. The offenses were not made against me, but against the person I love most on this earth. And that has felt worse and more difficult to manage.

My husband, Nick, has endured the very painful and heartbreaking experience of the complete abandonment of a friendship. For the past two and a half years I have watched him try to engage this person and find out what happened, only to see the individual act as if Nick no longer exists. I have watched this person treat Nick horribly in public too many times. I have had multiple conversations with Nick over what could’ve happened to cause this sudden cut-off from the relationship. I have gone over and over in my head bewildered by this friendship that was once filled with warmth but is now filled with utter coldness. I have agonized over Nick’s multiple attempts to ask this person what went wrong only to hear nothing but silence on the other end.

My teenage answer to forgiveness didn’t work with this one. I could easily see the good this person was doing and I knew without a doubt that they have helped and continue to help so many. But it all began to look fake to me. How could someone who was doing so much good, treat my husband so horribly and not even let him know why? Forgiveness felt impossible.

Now before I run off talking about myself and how hard this has been for me, I must tell you how Nick has responded. Nick has done everything in his power to make things right. He has not ignored what has been done to him but has tried to engage to make it better. Behind closed doors, Nick has been honest about his pain but has never spoken an unloving thing against this person. He has never marred this person’s public reputation and he continues to support the good that this person does for so many. He recognizes that this person is probably hurting and broken and continues to loves him with compassion.

Because of how Nick has handled this whole situation, I have been healed through the process. Because of how he properly did all he could to reconcile it and then let it go when there was nothing else he could do, I was able to move on. And because Nick has continued to pray for this person as a precious and hurting soul, my eyes have been opened to the loving ways that God deals with me.

Have I never abandoned Him without giving a reason why? Have I not also ignored His pleas with me to repair our relationship? Am I not also a wounded and broken person that inflicts hurt on other people because of the hurt that is going on in me?

And yet God has done everything He can to reconcile with me. He continues to support the little good that I do in my life. Jesus continues to intercede for me. He does not force me to love Him or treat Him well back.

This is how I moved into forgiveness: by witnessing Nick as he was hurt and suffering over someone he could not control, just as Christ was hurt and suffered for you and me. We really have no idea how our actions have a deep and eternal impact on how others view the character of God and how it can help us love even the most impossible people in the most impossible situations.

Thank you, dear Nick, for freeing my heart and showing me God.

“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Luke 6:27-31