Am I Enough?

I have a very bad habit of comparing myself to other people. I look at other moms and often feel that they are much better moms than me. I look at other Christian women and often feel that they are better Christians than I am. I look at women who are not only mothers and Christians that are beautiful, kind, and good cooks, but who are also national speakers, authors, bloggers, and still have the time to post something inspirational on their Instagram accounts every day. I struggle frequently with the question, “am I doing enough?” Which I think really means, “am I enough?”

On paper, my life is very unimpressive. My highest level of education is a BS in Speech-language Pathology and Audiology, which I don’t use. I don’t have a career, I currently hold no leadership roles in my church, I don’t play any musical instruments well, I’m not skilled in any sports, I only speak one language, and I have no certificates or special trainings in anything. Yes, I do have a blog, but I post very sporadically, sometimes going months at a time without posting anything.

While processing this, I read through the story of Jesus being anointed at Bethany in Mark 14, and how the disciples criticized Mary for her wasteful use of the ointment she poured on Jesus. These were men who truly believed that doing more religious acts meant you were holier and in better standing with God. Sure, there were other ways that Mary could’ve used the money she purchased the ointment with, but this is what she had chosen to express her heart towards Him. I was struck by Jesus’ comment in her defense. He said, “She has done what she could” (verse 8). I don’t have any recollection of there being a record of all the impressive things that Mary did and how much she did. But her anointing of Jesus, this one thing that she was able to do for Him, He said of it, “wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her” (verse 9).  Although Jesus had done many impressive, we’ve-never-seen-anything-like-this types of things, Mary seemed to get Jesus much more quickly than the Pharisees and even the disciples.

Maybe it’s when we come to a place of viewing our own selves and lives as unimpressive that we are able to reach a life changing impressiveness with God. Jeremiah 9:23, 24 states, “this is what the LORD says: “Let not the wise boast of their wisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast of their riches, but let the one who boasts boast about this: that they have the understanding to know me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice, and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight, “declares the LORD.” Mary was in awe of Jesus because she experienced Him in a way that gave her an accurate perspective of herself and of Him. In short, she knew who He really was.

I took Salem to his most recent speech evaluation a few weeks ago. The last time he was evaluated was over a year ago so I was very curious to know how much he had improved after more than a year’s worth of therapy sessions. Because Salem’s speech is still very limited, the evaluation consisted mostly of the therapist asking me questions about his speech. She pulled out a few toys and tried to get him to interact with her, but like his previous therapists, she found it hard to keep his attention. Once she was finished writing all of her notes and calculating his score, she sat next to me with the test in hand and explained his results. She showed me that on his past evaluation Salem scored in the “very poor” range (the lowest range) for both receptive and expressive language for his age. His new scores were just a few points higher in both categories. He remained in the “very poor” range for receptive language and barely made it into the “poor” range for expressive language. She tried to be very positive as she shared these scores with me and said that she would be referring him to continue in speech therapy.

I remembered how devastated I was at Salem’s previous evaluation. How I had dreaded hearing the results, how I had cried and felt hopeless, and how I wondered and wondered how to get Salem to develop faster. As I drove home from this most recent evaluation and was thinking about how Salem isn’t where we would all like him to be, God seemed to ask me, “Is he doing enough for you?” My immediate response was, “He’s doing more than enough!” I realized that although Salem has made little progress, I wasn’t bothered at all and this is why. Salem may be going at a crawling speed in his development, but I have seen him grow in an area that makes everything else seem so trivial. I can remember the days when he didn’t respond to his name or even notice when I entered a room. But over the past year, Salem has grown significantly in knowing who I am. When Salem wakes up in the morning I hear him call my name. He loves to say my name over and over again. He loves to be with me and wants me around him. He runs to me when he’s scared or hurt. He lights up when I call to him.

If Salem is enough for me and what matters most is how much he knows me and my love for him, I believe it’s the same with our Heavenly Father. He’s not concerned with how educated, skilled, perfect, or busy I am. He wants me to know Him. If I look back on the past few years of my life, I can see how that has developed. When I quit school at the beginning of my Master’s degree because I unexpectedly became pregnant with Eden, that’s when my life started to become more “unimpressive.” When I attempted to resume graduate school, Ezra was diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy and then when Salem was diagnosed with his genetic syndrome, I knew graduate school was out of the picture for a very long time. Not only was my education stopped, but involvement in church, achieving certain goals, and investing in certain relationships all got pushed out by motherhood and years of multiple weekly therapy sessions. But although the last few years of my life look as if I have not “achieved” anything, they have not been for nothing. I realize now that I was becoming more and more unimpressed with myself in not only the “achievement” category, but also in the “good person” category as parenthood and exhaustion tend to show you the worst parts of yourself. I was also becoming more and more impressed with a God who not only holds the highest position, but has lived the humblest of all. A God who no matter how many children He has to take care of is always good, patient, present, and self-controlled. A God who is always there for me even in the middle of the sleepless nights. A God who always listens to my worries and struggles. Now when I wake up in the morning I happily call on Him. I love to say and hear His name. I love to be in His presence. I run to Him when I’m scared or hurt. I light up when I hear Him call me to do His will.

Jesus came to earth so that all people could really understand how much God loves them. He went through all of that inconvenience and pain because he considered you and me more than enough for Him. God’s questions of you are never, “Are you enough? Are you doing enough?” His questions are, “Do you know me? Do you know how much I love you?”